Upon my descent down, I reminisced with the sunset. Old memories rushing through my mind. Faces and places, cherished thoughts fading into my history. I remembered smiles, and tears. I was reminded of laughter shared through someone else’s joy, but mostly of the sadness that grew daily in my heart. I contemplated the future, and where it would take me. I longed to travel to reach for the unobtainable, to live as the careless lived.
I thought about going back to school, obtaining a degree. I thought of my career path, and working for the future. And of my family, and the ones that would miss me… But the truth was, I didn’t care about any of that. I mean, not enough to continue sacrifice. I had sacrificed my entire life, for what others had wanted, needed. I concluded, now was the time for me to be selfish, to give back to me… And for the first time I knew I wanted to disappear. Fade into a life extraordinary. One where few knew me, and no one knew anything about me. And the ones who did know me, knew little of where i was, or where I am going. A life where freedom ruled, and existence became breathing for want, not need. I had finally chosen to live… The way I always wanted to live.
I was dying, everything around me was dying. And I would die alone… For the first time, I realized I wanted to be alone… Forever. Companionship was nice, though connection became few and fleeting. And the memories became just that, memories. For I had given up on the past, I had moved into and embraced my future, my fate. The forever sleep, forgotten in the loneliness of my heart. The decision had been made, to leave behind the emptiness, and move forward with each new day.
That was 2 years ago. The summer I released my pain, and forgave the insults that had been laid upon my heart. It was a life choice. An acceptance of fate, and promise. Destined to walk in solitary, searching for the freedom I had so longed for. I would finally break the monotony of my being, and start living. At that moment, I chose life…
I finished my descent in the dark, nothing but my head lamp to light my way. The darkness can be extremely comforting. It gives the loneliness perspective, when your heart reaches out for the light. The hike that had taken roughly 2 hours to reach the top, took less than 1/2 hour to reach the bottom. And I came away with second chance at life.
At the moment, I’m just chasing time. Waiting for that precise hour when I take the dream, and make it a reality. Until then, I’ll slowly reach for short-lived versions of this imagination. And experience life in tiny bursts of purity. Remember, the journey is at times, more important than the destination.